Sometimes when i look myself and stare at myself in the mirror or a picture of myself, i feel like giving up everything. i feel like giving myself up to.......... i really dont know. Just a feeling of giving up and vanishing into air..... blown away to where the wind would take me....

as light as a seed....
as light as a petal..
as light as a tiny feather,
as light as nothing......

i am scared.
scared of myself. scared of where i am because i dont know where i am. this place i am in feels so unreal. i dont know where i am...

im crying.... because im scared. i am scared.

Colour pencils on Paper

Terribly unlucky day. god wants me to fall and he must have his way to what he wants. i slipped and almost fell when i got outta my house but thankfully i managed to balance myself. Continued walking towards the bus stop slowly and i finally fell. finally. well.. i laughed and laughed at the fact i think god is funny. if he wants you to fall, you would and nothing would stop him. he will always have his way. well...... so, so be it.

ipod was in my hand, so think about that.

after my fall, my heart only felt a sense of paranoia, for i dont know when i would fall again. its not the fall that was scary cause a fall would just be a fall. But its the amazing thing about being able to fall on such a flat ground that scares me.

just, whats next..?

smelling cool fresh air when i wakes up in the morning is simple yet it puts a gladful smile on my face. i like the cool and fresh smelling scent of air that i breathe in...... it makes me feel life and its consolation.

i wish i could store some of the fresh air in a bottle and breathe alittle of it whenever i dont feel fresh.

ilovefreshsmellingcoolair.

send me some, anybody.

My family on paper

I was thinking of my family..... and thinking of them.....


Pastel on Paper

maid: J***, what is this?
me: drawing of my family.
maid: huh.... where....?
me: on the paper? can you see it?
maid: ahhhh... no..... its circle circle....
me: ya... its my family la... cannot see........?
maid: aiya.... i dont know how to see la....
me: sigh..... :)
sister: let me see.... hmmm i also dont know. Tell me.
me: :)

goodbye pain. hello fly.

Pastel on paper. November 2005

Finally woke up to seeing my babies back home. Opened up the box was a sense of abandoning and familiarity but of cause i choose to feel the latter because the first was not necessary for me to feel anymore or at all.

My childhood picture, box of crayons, letterbox, treasure box, the book of the giving tree, glue gun, sketch book, fabrics, canvases.

Among all the things, i pulled out my babies and i saw her. Placed her in the room, staring at her for alittle while.... running my fingers on it gently and all i felt strongly was the cold cold pain... and frustration that went onto the paper and made her...

Paused for awhile and finally i smiled... because im glad i no longer have to be caged. In a cage of feeling neglected and unwanted.

Now, im just all glad that my babies are back close to me again.....

I feel a sense of freedom. Being set free to fly again....

beautiful

woke up at 6ish in the morning, with the aircon not turned on, blanket, pillow and bloster all still in their untouched position. and myself curled up like a new born baby position. i was too tired.

im enjoying the breaking of the morning and the bird chriping like they always do. everything in the world seem so impermanent but somehow or rather, the mornings has always been there... and waiting patiently and would continue to do so.... something so nature yet brings so much trust into life. trusting that it would always be there if only i catch it in time...

despite the series of unfortunate events that i was slapped within a short few months i refuse to be defeated. refuse to be defeated nor would i fight it. if things are meant to happen they happen and no matter how much i dont and wont want it to happen. it happens and happened. regardless of how i would feel it would still do. so ill embrace such beauty of life because pain and loss are just part of life. without it, life probably wouldnt be as complete and beautiful at the end of the day.

i still feel life is beautiful, so is the world...

Perfect example and I wanna go home.

.......

Its Thursday. Im emotionally bored. Fell outta love but im fine. Cry alittle but im fine. Miss him alittle but im fine and i know its okie. Its all for the better and life goes on. No point nor any meaning to cry over something that has spoiled. If its spoilt, its spoilt.

Just like hmm.... polished nail? Like a lady, whom went through all the effort and time to do a beautiful manicure. Took good care of it, love it... admire it.. cherish it. When suddenly, one nail snapped or the paint got scratched. Its spoiled. So, if its spoiled it's spoiled. Haha. You can whine, you can cry, you can be upset, its still spoiled. So, just get over it and move on.......

Perfect example.

I am just emotionally bored. Haha.

I miss Home-Bangkok. I really miss home... Can i go home.....? But i cant really do that cause my schedule for the one week school break is pretty packed. I cant go home....

I really miss home..

Friday, the day of a little sign for positive changes

Today is Friday.

I am filled with exicitment because my uncle came over earlier to my house to look at certain areas where mum wants to do some renovation on. So... i just kindly took the opportunity to ask for his help. To see if he could do anything to help me make the changes i would like for my room. And............ Yes.

Uncle: Yes, these could be done. Let me know when you want it to be done, i'll ask my workers to come over to do it for you. No promises, because i might have clients and projects that needs to come first. But ill try to help when its possible.

me: Yeah! thank you!

my my, im excitied excitied over little new changes that i have always wanted for my room. more spaces for work display more comfort space for myself. Been wanting a new colour for sometime now, now its slowly happening with some help of uncle's.

Yep!