dearmedearbirds

rat race.

2006-09-16T14:59:00.000+08:00

i took the 608 bus home, took a taxi to chase the 608 and took a 608 bus home. haha.

I will scratch your face

2006-07-29T10:00:00.000+08:00

busy busy busy i have been since school started but im kinda loving it.

anyway, last night there was uninvited guests in the neighbour.

1.37 am while i was doing research for my assignments, i heard 5 honks, it was annoying and i thought to myself what on earth is going on honking 5 times at this hour but i didnt get off my chair.

1.39am, 5 honks again, and 5 pretty long honks each. i said what the F*** is going on and WHO THE F**** is that, acting so inconsiderately, in a private estate? Went to the window and i saw a black car parked outside the gate of the neighbouring condo, stared at the car to see what was really going on, managed to figure out that there was someone in the car but not knowing what the hell they are doing.

1.40am, 5 honks again. I said to myself, i think they are really crazy, do they know what they are doing, i had this huge impulsiveness to rush down and bang on their window but i saw my security guard taking notice so i guess he would do what i do if they do it again.

1.43am, 5 honks, driver got off the car, stood next to the car while taking on the phone, driver got in, passenger got out went to the gate to intercom so the unit owner could open the gate for them.

1.45am, they drove in.

1.46am, i regretted not going down and give them a piece of my mind. because i think some people just need to be scolded.

If your bf or whatsoever betrayed you or whatsoever and you rushed down from wherever to our private estate, trying to get in with inconsiderate methods, please bear in mind that i and im sure WE do not and would not have to bear the shit that was supposedly for tbe shiter or shit eater itself.

it be private or non private, or however angry you might be, there are many many people and babies sleeping at this hour and your honking might scare the babies up. and your honking would be a disturbance to people that were still up and trying to work on their inspirations.

Next time when you want to come over again please be reminded that, here in this neighbour, there is a cat that never sleeps and doesnt like nonsense or disturbance.

If you do that again, she will scratch you, your face.

2006-07-07T23:34:00.000+08:00

sometimes i worry too much and think too far. sometimes i remind and console myself by telling myself that its alright and everything is going to be fine, its not too long a time that i would be living.

2006-07-03T11:02:00.000+08:00

first attempt to drive on the road without my dad in the car. i drove the girls home after a night of dinner, frida, creation of red and shocking pink and laughters.

i never felt that strange sense of nervousness in my life. never. the feeling of worrying about endangering two lives, not myself. to make sure they get home safe and feel safe on the journey back did not slip once out of my mind once while we were on the road. to be honest, my hands were cold and i was truly nervous. an image of my brother on the bed before he closed his eyes to the living world flashed in my mind and i begin to realise the reason of my unfounded fear. perhaps because i had seen my dearest's death so close to me before, i truly understand how fragile life is and that we are merely weak bodies.....

at the red light, i saw a transformation. a different part of me, a different driver from when i was learning and having a L plate. many things that i would be too lazy to do, i did them last night. i obeyed as much rules and safety as i could to keep them safe and knowing that they two would soon embark on learning driving soon like i myself once, i didnt want to set a bad example for reckless or overconfident driving even though im no expert and just a new young driver.

dropped delly (last passenger) safely down and i truly felt a sense of relief. there, i was off for my home.

the next thing i know, my hands were warm and i vromed. with attempt of reminding myself to now keep MY own life,

safe.

2006-06-19T10:10:00.000+08:00

we were eating macdonalds sharing our burgers, filet-o-fish & double cheese.

he passed the half bitten double cheese over to me and i picked it up, biting off another mouth off it.

lifted my hand held burger and showing it at his face.

me: what does it look like?
he: hmmm..... pussy?
me: no......
he: hmm... dick? ( looks alittle like one to be honest)
me: noo......... hahahahah. do you want to give up? say give up if you want.
he: give up.... what?
me: it looks like a half eaten burger! hahahahahahahaha
he: .............................

he thinks my joke is not funny and corny. do you think its funny, dont you think its funny.

its funny because he fell for my trap just how i predicted his answers to be everything and anything but the burger.

me: do you think its funny, why didnt you laugh..
he: because its not funny.. its corny.
me: why is it not funny! its funny because you fell for it like how i predicted you would and most people would.
he: your jokes are either for people like very young children or people whom are very intelligent.
me: .........................
he: ill ask herman if its funny. you ask del and ana, they probably agree with me.
me: ........................... hahaha. you're stupid.

haha...............

roaring like a bunny

2006-06-17T09:47:00.000+08:00

have you ever ever been very frustrated for no particularly reasonable reason. Grumpy like an angry bear woken up from nap, have you? its not a usual thing but it just hit the spot and you cant help but to keep roaring around to yourself for no reason like a bunny gone wrong.

and grumpy because its late at night and you have not showered and feel too irritated to shower.

i was one last night and i felt like hanging myself with mee sua.

yet he managed to calm the grumpy roaring bunny down over the phone with some patience. got it to shower too.

as i was lying on bed and listening to anita baker on the radio, some warm and happy tears rolled down my cheeks.

Thank you.....

*ps. just this moment as im about to publish this post, the arcade fire song plays on my itunes.....................

Oh no.......

get the oh oh out.

2006-06-13T19:38:00.000+08:00

someone please get this oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh oh out of my head. i find myself singing oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh after i go to the toilet, when im walking to get a cup of water, after i finish doing something. its as though oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh oh from Arcane Fire- Wake up is my national anthem to my start and end of doing something.

it is just really very irritating.

especially when i do not feel for or like this particular song all that much.

urgh...

2006-06-12T17:06:00.000+08:00

killing some time while the other is away to an impromtu meeting.

sitting here trying to recall some funny things i have in my mind recently.

funny thing number 1: last week we had chicken wings at home and again my sister put them in a plastic bag and ate them from it. who eats chicken wings from a plastic bag when they are home besides when we were all in primary school having recess.

funny thing number 2: cant think of any yet.

sometimes i feel so deprived of funny and interesting stories or incidents.

tell me some twit. tell me some puppetress. tell me some.

princess and the pea

2006-06-05T18:24:00.000+08:00

cant help but to wonder what a sicknote i am. 2 weeks, i had gastric flu, infected eye and dengue fever.

but i guess im so used to it, 39.3 fever didnt leave me teary and upset like i used to. just dragged my body to the clinic like a usual practice.

being sick is like a regular rountine that asking for jab has became a normal practice. regardless how much pain or how many jabs, just give it to me and save me the suffering. im just too sick of having them.

i havent seen anyone weaker than me.

reminds me of the book princess and the pea that delly gave me once upon a time.

worry, worry not.

2006-05-27T10:02:00.000+08:00

i dont have to answer to anyone who i love, who i dont. dont have to answer to will i love will i not love. i would not and will not answer to the whole world because there is no need to.

and perhaps theres's even no need to worry about love. anymore...

if you love, you love. maybe one day, two days, three days, one year, ten years, as long as you have the courage to. before mrcoward creeps in and take it away.

before you start and end up trying to love something and someone you dont love and will never love....

because i do not want to marry to a car, to a house, to a lifestyle, i worry if the heart close to mine beats with mine.

yet, worry not.

2006-05-12T13:59:00.000+08:00

why dont you die?

heard from most people that they want to die knowing the world loves them and they will be remembered. i think otherwise, i would like to die not known and forgotten.

somehow i know im afraid of emotional attachments people have with me. as warming as it is to know there are people whom care and feel i mean something to them, i sometimes prefer they not.

because if you are gone tomorrow, i know i can handle my emotions well enough. but if im gone tomorrow, will you be fine?

Anyway, i dont really enjoy people asking me if i miss them, him, hersoever because i know i most likely dont in the way they want it to be.

was on messenger for alittle while when a box popped out.

he: how come you dont call me, hardly contact me?
me: you should know i hardly contact anyone.
he: ok......

he: do you miss me? haha
me: does it matter?
he: of cause.
me: why?
he: because it just does.
me: i prefer it doesnt.

he went offline. (.........?)

my unanswered answer is no. ( ha, funny if truth hurts but i dont know how to lie)

2006-05-09T00:07:00.000+08:00

was sitting alone with my music plugged into my ears, watching people do their things on a monday afternoon. some were waiting for the other to come watch a movie with them, some busy flipping through their textbooks, some happily eating away, and one had big pink letterings underneath her white pants. i just watched her walk further away with a caucasian arm around her shoulder.

how some like some bad attention. cool...

i had this strong harmless wanting to go up and ask her why really? i just want to know thats all...

haha. people are pretty funny. i like them when they are not irritating.

do you, do you not?

2006-05-02T11:05:00.000+08:00

i dont understand french, i dont understand spanish, i dont understand portuguese, dont understand, dont understand. but its okie.

i dont understand what this girl on my ipod is singing but i enjoy listening to her because i dont understand.

i could try to listen to her with my heart to feel what she is singing, is she happy? is she sad? is she angry? is she, is she? but because i dont understand, i might never know but its okie.

perhaps she doesnt want anyone to. she just want to express and doesnt really care what you think. she enjoys the beauty of humans and how they make meanings of their own and preceive the same thing in many different ways.

because i dont understand i can think its this and that or maybe that or this and alittle this and that, however i want, whichever i want to and it doesnt really matter.

the funny thing is sometimes when i speak english and the listener understands english, he/she might not understand what i want to convey and sometimes cant.

sometimes people cant, sometimes people dont want to.

sometimes people dont understand what they dont understand...

and people learn not to understand.

2006-04-29T14:08:00.000+08:00

sense of loneliness and emptiness creeped back into me these few days so i just sat there and let the tears roll, for i know theres nothing much i can do.

recalling the nights i used to cry myself to sleep when i was a child till now i still do that sometimes.... sense of loneiness and emptiness never did leave me, time just allow you to get used to it and sometimes be comfortable with it.

its the kinda loneliness and emptiness, no amount of people around you could help take it away. like im looking at the world and myself as a third party and i know im alone here looking and looking.

feeling...

2006-04-08T23:53:00.000+08:00

In the midst of a conversation with a close friend, i was called a social misfit.

how true, perfectly right! was the add-ons from my dear girls.

i could never understand why but i feel funny. funny how they all think in such weirdly manner. i could never feel more puzzled on such labels i was slapped on everytime.

unfair?

its true when people say there really is no justice around...

i truly agree.

i have silly people in my life...

who or what of mine?

2006-04-01T12:19:00.000+08:00

an unexpected expected unlucky incident. sis came home last evening and told me she wanted to tell me something when i felt her discomfort.

so i follow my intuition and asked.

me: where's my camera?
she: thats the thing i wanted to tell you.....
me: okie...

my canon ixus 40.

lost during her trip to langkawi with her friends.

i felt so much anger in me to think that i didnt exactly had a good earlier half of the day and it had to be worse. i was angry because my ixus is gone but i was not angry with my sister. I know nobody would want to misplace anyones belonging especially when she knows it means alot to me.

i took deep breaths and decided i leave home to get a bus ride.

i felt sick, i felt anger i felt tired i felt i wanted to just scream i give up. i was too tired with the series of unlucky events that has been happening one after another and doesnt seem to get any better.

first was my r/s, then my family, my job, my leg, now my camera... what else.... hahaha.... i dont know. im tired when even my beloved camera that could make me happy just by simply snapping things, people, children and friends is being taken away from me.

and the ixus, was a gift from my mum for our trip to nepal.....

no ixus, no pictures.

so whats next, who or what of mine?

2006-03-31T15:37:00.000+08:00

Sometimes when i look myself and stare at myself in the mirror or a picture of myself, i feel like giving up everything. i feel like giving myself up to.......... i really dont know. Just a feeling of giving up and vanishing into air..... blown away to where the wind would take me....

as light as a seed....
as light as a petal..
as light as a tiny feather,
as light as nothing......

i am scared.
scared of myself. scared of where i am because i dont know where i am. this place i am in feels so unreal. i dont know where i am...

im crying.... because im scared. i am scared.

2006-03-29T23:37:00.000+08:00

Colour pencils on Paper

Terribly unlucky day. god wants me to fall and he must have his way to what he wants. i slipped and almost fell when i got outta my house but thankfully i managed to balance myself. Continued walking towards the bus stop slowly and i finally fell. finally. well.. i laughed and laughed at the fact i think god is funny. if he wants you to fall, you would and nothing would stop him. he will always have his way. well...... so, so be it.

ipod was in my hand, so think about that.

after my fall, my heart only felt a sense of paranoia, for i dont know when i would fall again. its not the fall that was scary cause a fall would just be a fall. But its the amazing thing about being able to fall on such a flat ground that scares me.

just, whats next..?

2006-03-23T09:15:00.000+08:00

smelling cool fresh air when i wakes up in the morning is simple yet it puts a gladful smile on my face. i like the cool and fresh smelling scent of air that i breathe in...... it makes me feel life and its consolation.

i wish i could store some of the fresh air in a bottle and breathe alittle of it whenever i dont feel fresh.

ilovefreshsmellingcoolair.

send me some, anybody.

My family on paper

2006-03-20T15:00:00.000+08:00

I was thinking of my family..... and thinking of them.....

Pastel on Paper

maid: J***, what is this?
me: drawing of my family.
maid: huh.... where....?
me: on the paper? can you see it?
maid: ahhhh... no..... its circle circle....
me: ya... its my family la... cannot see........?
maid: aiya.... i dont know how to see la....
me: sigh..... :)
sister: let me see.... hmmm i also dont know. Tell me.
me: :)

goodbye pain. hello fly.

2006-03-19T23:23:00.000+08:00

Pastel on paper. November 2005

Finally woke up to seeing my babies back home. Opened up the box was a sense of abandoning and familiarity but of cause i choose to feel the latter because the first was not necessary for me to feel anymore or at all.

My childhood picture, box of crayons, letterbox, treasure box, the book of the giving tree, glue gun, sketch book, fabrics, canvases.

Among all the things, i pulled out my babies and i saw her. Placed her in the room, staring at her for alittle while.... running my fingers on it gently and all i felt strongly was the cold cold pain... and frustration that went onto the paper and made her...

Paused for awhile and finally i smiled... because im glad i no longer have to be caged. In a cage of feeling neglected and unwanted.

Now, im just all glad that my babies are back close to me again.....

I feel a sense of freedom. Being set free to fly again....

beautiful

2006-03-18T06:59:00.000+08:00

woke up at 6ish in the morning, with the aircon not turned on, blanket, pillow and bloster all still in their untouched position. and myself curled up like a new born baby position. i was too tired.

im enjoying the breaking of the morning and the bird chriping like they always do. everything in the world seem so impermanent but somehow or rather, the mornings has always been there... and waiting patiently and would continue to do so.... something so nature yet brings so much trust into life. trusting that it would always be there if only i catch it in time...

despite the series of unfortunate events that i was slapped within a short few months i refuse to be defeated. refuse to be defeated nor would i fight it. if things are meant to happen they happen and no matter how much i dont and wont want it to happen. it happens and happened. regardless of how i would feel it would still do. so ill embrace such beauty of life because pain and loss are just part of life. without it, life probably wouldnt be as complete and beautiful at the end of the day.

i still feel life is beautiful, so is the world...

Perfect example and I wanna go home.

2006-03-09T10:58:00.000+08:00

.......

Its Thursday. Im emotionally bored. Fell outta love but im fine. Cry alittle but im fine. Miss him alittle but im fine and i know its okie. Its all for the better and life goes on. No point nor any meaning to cry over something that has spoiled. If its spoilt, its spoilt.

Just like hmm.... polished nail? Like a lady, whom went through all the effort and time to do a beautiful manicure. Took good care of it, love it... admire it.. cherish it. When suddenly, one nail snapped or the paint got scratched. Its spoiled. So, if its spoiled it's spoiled. Haha. You can whine, you can cry, you can be upset, its still spoiled. So, just get over it and move on.......

Perfect example.

I am just emotionally bored. Haha.

I miss Home-Bangkok. I really miss home... Can i go home.....? But i cant really do that cause my schedule for the one week school break is pretty packed. I cant go home....

I really miss home..

Friday, the day of a little sign for positive changes

2006-03-03T15:32:00.000+08:00

Today is Friday.

I am filled with exicitment because my uncle came over earlier to my house to look at certain areas where mum wants to do some renovation on. So... i just kindly took the opportunity to ask for his help. To see if he could do anything to help me make the changes i would like for my room. And............ Yes.

Uncle: Yes, these could be done. Let me know when you want it to be done, i'll ask my workers to come over to do it for you. No promises, because i might have clients and projects that needs to come first. But ill try to help when its possible.

me: Yeah! thank you!

my my, im excitied excitied over little new changes that i have always wanted for my room. more spaces for work display more comfort space for myself. Been wanting a new colour for sometime now, now its slowly happening with some help of uncle's.

Yep!

Today is Tuesday

2006-02-28T11:01:00.000+08:00

Today is Tuesday.

Today is Tuesday and i have been smiling more today. My children treats me well. Its nice to hear your children telling you outta mars and venus 'I Love You Teacher Eve.' It makes me feel loved and amazed by their big and loving hearts.

Their hugs are genuine and theie words are real.

And, most importantly, im happy and very glad to know they enjoy themselves their time with me and in school.

Meeting was held and i was dissappointed to see some teachers not fight for themselves.

A meeting is to talk and voice out, if not its a waste of everyones time. If teachers dont wanna fight for their own, i dont think i am jesus. For i cant fight and save everyone because im not Jesus..... Hello teachers, fight for yourselves!

Anyway, dont wanna go further. haha...

Its tuesday!!!!!!! and im happy because its a tuesay.

I have an insect bite on my elbow yesterday and its swelling like a pigs leg now.....

I love my animals. puppetandcow.

My ash green 9am

2006-02-26T10:07:00.000+08:00

From this sunday morning onwards, i no longer wakes up at 6 to wait or wait aimlessly. Thinking would he come for me, would he not come for me?

I no longer have to do that and feel that way.

I woke up to a 9am earlier and i was alittle glad i passed 7am. I dont want to wake up to 7am to feel 7am and be reminded of the old sundays and him that were beautifully turned painful. But im sure its only time thats ill think of the old sundays with nothing but a tint of sweet old good feeling in me. Now it still hurts alittle but i know it would go away for me. :)

I loved and have given all i could give, i have no regrets and i really hope and wish that he would have happiness. And just that thought that he would find his happiness, puts a smile to my face. All the best my love!

Nothing much to tell because all that has passed is passed. I am flying away to where my happiness will be. wee.....

I have new hair colour. brown and ash green strips. Yes, this is a new begining with a new new new new new. hahahaha.

stupidly happy

2006-02-14T21:30:00.000+08:00

happy valentines day.

him: dont you have dates today?
me: huh.... dates? dates can be rejected and valentines day is for stupid people.
him: thats true...

Happy Valentines day.... I dont register valentines day as a day of celebration in dictionary-2006. I dont feel like having a valentines day 2006. No why.

I just think Valentines day are for stupid people.

I eat dinner everyday, not just on 14 feb.
I love everyday, not just 14 feb.
I eat chocolates when i feel like eating them, i wont know if i want to eat them on 14 feb.

Roses cost one dollar on 14 jan, 14 march, 14 april. why roses cost 10 dollars only in february? and only on 14 february. Its quite stupid and strange. haha.....

why some girls like to carry roses when they are not flower lovers?
why some need plastic and meaningless things to judge how much they are being loved?
why only when they carry roses on 14feb they feel on top of the world and mountain?

Why for no reason end up crowding the whole of town and all the eating places? Why people like to que up for no reasons for no reason?

why people only feel its love day on 14 february. so 364 days can be no love days?

why people allow others to cheat their money on 14 february?

But for all that i cant understand, most of the people seem stupidly happy and im happy for them. enjoy stupid people. because they are happy being stupid, i am happy to see them happy.

as long as they are happy.

have a happy happy and stupid valentines day.

chicken pox!

2006-02-09T17:47:00.000+08:00

In class

me: Children, Sxxxxx is not coming to school for 2 weeks because he is down with chicken pox. Do you know what chicken pox is?

children: ................??

me: hahaha.... okie. When you get chicken pox, daddy and mummy will have to bring you to see the doctor because you would have red little spots all over your body. You would feel itchy all over your body and have to stay at home to rest alot. If you come to school with chicken pox, you will spread it to your friends and they will get it too.

girl: teacher eve... teacher eve..... i dont eat chicken so i dont have......

me: hahahahahahahaha.... silly girl, no no no. Eating chicken wont give you chicken pox! So dont worry, you can eat chicken rice.

child 1: i like chicken rice!!!!!

child 2: children rice?! i like chicken rice....!

child 3: i also i also, i like chicken rice!

children: I LIKE CHICKEN!!!

me: hahahaha... all of you like chicken? hahaha so do i! haha... Anyway, why not we make and send Sxxxxx a Get Well card. We could draw some pictures and write some messages to him? Do you all wanna do that?

children: YESSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOD NOD NOD...

me: hahaha good, very good. We shall do that!

Happy Lunar New Year

2006-02-04T13:08:00.000+08:00

Many little da tao wawas and friends.

Gong xi fa cai. Nian Nian Yu Tu.

2006-01-23T00:13:00.000+08:00

I feel like running away... going away to somewhere faraway....

my tonsils and bunny nannies.

2006-01-16T23:40:00.000+08:00

I feel scared. I feel sad. And I cried tears for puppetress's pain.

Visited doctor again, again.

doctor: Open your mouth and relax.
"Why dont i suggest you remove your tonsils?" They are unhealthy.

me: ................??
(*thinking to myself, if i remove them will i lose my voice.....)

doctor: Your tonsils are damaged and dead. You should remove them. Especially when you fall sick so often, almost every month and required antibiotics each time. It would be better for you.

Mine, mine... i will say goodbye to my tonsils soon in june when the school holidays are. Only then i can afford to take 2 weeks to recover after a tonsillectomy. Maybe after that, i can ask to pack them up and bring them home. Show it to dad, mum, maid, sister and all my birds.

Do you think anyone will realise its my tonsils aint kidneys if i use them to cook mee-sua?

My maids have always been one of my best friend and more than a helping hand at home. They are part of my family. When im sick, they bring me to the doctors, when i camp vomitingly in the toilet, they camp with me. When i need just simple companion to anywhere, they always accomapany me.

They are part of my life.

may: hey, eat your medicine.
me: hmmm... can make ribena for me please?
may: you want milo?
me: no... i dont want... eel... always drink milo when sick.. now i think of milo i more sick. ribena la...
may: cannot... cold la cannot. you sick.
me: aiyah... never mind la. who say sick cannot drink cold one?
may: cannot... cannot....
me: please la... may... please... i dont want milo.....
may: okie la.... just now u eat porridge already. so now let you drink ribena. I make one cup ribena for you and one cup water ah?
me: hee.... okie, thank you.

After medication

may: eh j***, go sleep la....
me: later la....
may: your eyes very red already......
me: .......... later la... awhile more......
may: you eat medicine already go sleep la.
me: ............... later...awhile more.............
may: see, your face so red also.......
me: fever mah, then face red......
may: you see, your nose always sz sz sz....you dont naughty la... go sleep la.
me: i hungry.....
may: how? what you want to eat?
me: hmmm.. i dont know... doctor say no chilli. house no more tom yam maggi....
may: beehoon soup?
me: hmmm..... again ah... but no more fishball already right... i dont want eat beehoon and soup only....
may: haha ya. then how..... dont eat la, you sick cannot eat anyhow.
me: okie lor... never mind... dont eat...

After awhile.... she came into the room again.

may: j***, you want this one? (showed me 2 cans of campbell soup)
me: (felt very touched cause she mentioned that she's going to sleep) Hmm...... okie lor, anything. You ask my sister she want or not, if she want, i share with her.
may: okie.
me: thank you....

This is how my maid love me, and most of the maids whom had taken very good care of me....... To me, they meant alot more than just someone whom cleans my house. They are part of my family.

I love my maids. Bunny Nannies.

* j*** is what bunny nannies call me.

2 sicks

2006-01-15T22:13:00.000+08:00

Bunny is down again. Being called a sicknote bunny. Fever, sore throat. They seem to be quite loyal friends to me, never seem to leave me through the years despite anything. I dont know how i can show my appreciation to them truly.

We were both unwell yet we bought ourselves to catch Memoirs of The Geisha at the cinema just because i mentioned i want to. Where he so badly wanted to catch the Narnia when he saw it on the show screen But............ so unwillingly and willingly gave in to me sweetly. Haha..... Sometimes he makes me feel on top of the world in the little things he does for me and the little efforts he puts in that runs a longer mile for us. I feel love not companionship.

Many times in a relationship, we do things for the other because its a norm to do certain things, behave in certain ways, say certain things to each other, for each other. However, it isnt so for us. We dont like to do things for the sake of doing things, say things for the sake of saying... Nor do we judge each others love so easily with the things we do or not do for each other. There isnt an expectation or a fight for control nor a sense of possesiveness over each other. Its rare and unusual when you think about it sometimes, but we are happy.....

We dont have to see each other everyday or talk to each other everyday. We both dont like to talk most of the times. Yet, when we talk or share, its comforting and sometimes alittle giggly with the feeling of smacking each other on the head. Its nice....

And im happy. I hope i make him happy too.

hokkien kid on the block

2006-01-03T23:03:00.000+08:00

New School Term. New School. New faces. New children.

School was crowded with parents standing inside in the class and outside the window. Noises of children crying, laughing, talking.

Do you still remember how first day in new school feels like for you when you were little? Did you grab your mummy's hand or daddy's pants? Did you scream and cry, refusing to enter the class?

Were you comfortable to be in a new environment and with all the unfamiliarities? Did you start making friends with your classmates like they were your old friend?

Did you? Were you.......?

Children have their insecurities and fear, just give them some time and sincere love. They will feel it and open up to you slowly.

Location: Outdoor play.

Me: Hey Boy, Dont worry, come join us and have some fun together at the playground.
Boy: (kept clinging onto mum and crying on and off)
Me: Alright, looks like maybe you want to stay with mummy for awhile. Dont worry, you'll be fine, when you are ready you can come look for me and join me in the fun.
Boy: (Continue crying and pause and continued and paused)

Mum: Go join teacher, go go go, go play.
Boy: (kept quiet while mum continue carrying)

Awhile later, i was playing with a few little ones when Boy came running to me. Showed me his fist with a smile that says "iwanttoplaywithyoubutihavetoomuchpride," and have me a hit on my shoulder.

Me: Ouch! Hmmmm, why did you hit me? Is there something you want to tell me?
Boy: ran off and ran back and hit me for second time.
Me: Ouch! No hitting because its painful.

Mum: (ran over) No hitting your teacher! You cannot hit your teacher!
Me: (smiled)

Boy: Looks at me for awhile.
Me: Well, yeah. If you like me, you can hug me or just tell me that you like me. You dont need to hit me alright.

Mum: Yeah, you like teacher you tell teacher, or go hug teacher. Not hit! Cannot hit your teacher understand... go u like teacher right, go hug her. go...

Me: hahahaha, its okie...... he needs time to adjust his emotions and express openly in the more appropriate manner.

Well well... children. They just bring me so much amazing suprises.

2 homes, one me.

2006-01-02T22:21:00.000+08:00

I miss home(bangkok), where i see Dad everyday and be happy together.

Where ill wake up earliest and early in the mornings, sit on the stairs near the window and balcony quietly look out at its pretty face, listen to its morning humming and breathe its freshiest scent. Only then would i slowly walk back into my room to lie on my bed for just alittle while more....

Where i feel most carefree and comfortable, knowing that nobody can really find me......

Yet, im here too. Home where im closer to friends whom i care for and care for me. My love whom i fell in love with in 2005 and still very much in love with.... Where Snoopy used to be with me and still waiting for her to come home.... Able to see mum and sis everyday.

Where i can be found and find.......

Here, i gratefully accepted a new teaching position at a new place. Its a new commitment, one step higher on the stepping stone im climbing.

And it has only just started.

I miss my pet squirrel, Mola. Mola Ekkamai.

2006

2006-01-01T13:40:00.000+08:00

For new year eve, dad is not back(singapore) but he sent me a text on my mobile before anyone did.
Dad: Pa, wish you happiness and all your dreams comes true. Happy new Year.

Mum went out for some talk and celebration but she sent me a text to my mobile just right after dad's.
Mum: Have a Blessed new year. Rejoice.

Sister went out for celebration with freddy and old classmates and she sent a text to my mobile just right after 12 midnight.
Sister: Happy New Year! I love you!

Although this new year, we were all not home together but i have them close to my heart and i know they have mine to theirs too...

And for every year that have past, he is still deeply missed and loved by me and our family. I love you kor... Happy new year to you and may you be happy up there, watching over us from above.

Woke up. Waited for the church bells to strike at 12 noon. Its does so every first day of the month. And i stood at my window close to 12 waiting for it to sing to my ears and i know i will smile. And i did.First day of a new month of a new year. 01 Janurary, 2006. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. Now we have past this half century. hahahaha. Not too bad, we all made it so far, so, so far so good.Have you given yourself a pat of encouragement on your own back? Do so if you have not. You truly deserves it if you have made it this far.

For all the crockraches you managed to kill the previous years, for all the bird shit that might have fallen on you and managed to shower them off, for all the beautiful dancing with birds in the gardens or parks, for all the sweetness and love you received. For letting go what makes you unhappy, treasuring what makes you happy. For that, give yourself a pat on the back.

Uselessness and An Interesting encounter

2005-12-31T06:00:00.000+08:00

Two useless sleepers, hungrybunny and unshavenpuppet left dearmedearbirds all alone, awake, bored and just bored.

Lavender splashed. One unsplashed sleeping arm but never mind she will have one unmoisturised arm.

Bored. Maybe i shall try hanging myself with mee-sua.

When is the rooster going to sing and wake the two useless up.

Recently i heard a story about a girlfriend whom dumped her boyfriend because he didnt like her pet dog. Its quite funny. I imagined, oh you dont like my dog?! oh....... im going to break up with you. How can you be so unloving towards animals. What an excellent reason to break up with your partner. Feed me more with funny stories, i enjoy them.

Oh, i just recalled that i was at the coffee shop earlier around hungry's estate. I havent visited her place for long and when i came i was pretty entertained by her interesting neighbourhood people. I saw an middle aged man carrying a haversack, holding a rolled up newspaper, beating the bushes around him. Next, he warmed up his right arm by turning it in a 360 degree circle, fast, faster and faster and faster............... and then kung fu around to nobody but himself. He made me laugh, but it made me laughed too when the tables of people around him didnt not gave a moment of bother. They didnt bother like he wasnt there. I concluded that they would be at the coffee shop everynight and the kung fu man will do his kung fu everynight, so everynight to them its the same everynight. That was quite funny. He did his thing, and they did their thing. It was quite interestingly entertaining for me.

Anyway, im still bored. Can they just wake up? Why must they sleep.....? IM going to pounce on them at 7 sharp!

a slice of me

2005-12-28T13:20:00.000+08:00

So much about friends and friendships.

I have never shared that much inner thoughts about my opinions on my beliefs in friendships to anyone or friends for i have never see the need to share that and let it be and if its meant to be, be the way i like things to be.

Yet very naturally i shared with two. Over a good few cigarette, a cup of sour plum juice too sweet and a cup of teh ice too sweet. Perhaps i already knew inside me that two are people whom if i was willing to share, they would not be able to not understand or pretend to be, so i shared. And perhaps i felt because they were so and am grateful to be able to consider them as my friends outta the many people i have known and been introduced to and by here and there in my life. For the meaningful and deeper connections inside my heart with two. I shared a slice of myself to my two.

To me, i dont have to understand you to help and care for you, to lend you a listening ear or hand. But i have to want to know and understand you and vice versa, to be your friend.

So i sliced a slice of myself for the two.

Weird day

2005-12-27T02:09:00.000+08:00

I had a alittle weird day today.

Which i dont exactly like...... makes me feel like vominting alittle. I dont really like feeling such feelings, i feel like i wanna shower and and shower them off. Like some bird shit fallen on me.... I dont like.

I dont want to go into trying to explain the whole incident and the details but i have something i clearly concluded in my mind.

I feel if anyone have left their partner or someonewhomelovedthem for someone else, and managed to remain friends with he or she despite the hurt and pain given. They should treasure the friendship, the fact that it didnt have to end badly and that he or she loves you enough to let you go without any sense of hatred. If later in life, you had your ithoughthe/shewastheoneformes and feel that your ex partner is at the end the one you really want and wish to have he or she back. Please respect the fact that he or she might have moved on in life, changed in their own ways in whichever aspects, and that they might not be able to love you back the way they have once loved you dearly.

Now, i say. I appreciate the fact he came back to tell me he wants me back at the end of the day. But i have moved on in life, changed and grew in ways i believe have made me a better and stronger person for myself and life. Im glad my love has finally been appreciated but i am sorry too for i can no longer love you the way i once loved you dearly. Please do not be angry for i cant love you back or give me childish emotional blackmail rubbish like soimnotgoodenoughforyounow...... I never and would never meant it that way, dont get me mistaken nor give me those unnecessary ugly feelings i dont need.

The least that could be done would be the following 3s.
1. remain just friends
2. do nothing
3 get lost and outta my life the day you decided to leave for someone else

For i dont need and wish to be given any uneccessary ugly feelings or attend to childish emotional blackmail.

I dont like bird shit to fall on me.

Another point, if anyone wants to have their forsaken and abandoned love back but gives childish emotional blackmail even before they can retrive it back.

It says alot, and enough. At least for me.

So, if you happen to be a forsakenabandonedbirdwantedback, please love yourself alittle more and think carefully my dear birds. For you dont need and want to be hurt again.

And Lastly,

Or, if you happen to be a wantforsakenabandonedbirdbackbird that might happen to read this post one day. I hope you be able to put thebirdyouwantback above yourself and think the best for he or she, consider if you could make sure never to forsake and abandon he or she again and if you could give he or she what she really needs and wants from love. If not, I hereby wish you will not be a bad bird by not trying to mess up again and further.

Good luck.

hah...

2005-12-26T04:03:00.000+08:00

Finally christmas is over, at least christmas christmas is over. And its christmas that brought me so much feelings and thoughts for just this season. A pensive merry little christmas for me.

And these thoughts i will perhaps keep it for alittle later.

alittle disgusting Christmas.

2005-12-23T12:35:00.000+08:00

Its chirstmas eve eve. But its feels so strange to me. Hmmm... actually alittle disgusting and i dont know why. Anyway, its gonna be christmas soon in two days time. Have you bought your presents? Have you ordered your turkey? I heard the turkeys are running out everywhere, i have no idea why turkeys, why not hainan chicken? Santa did not say he only eats turkey. For all you know santa is hainanese. Ya, hainanese christian.

Anyway,
Have you, have you? have yous.

I have nots.

I dont feel like buying presents for some people. I dont want to write cards to some people. I dont really know who the some people really are because i dont go into thinking who they are. If i write to you, means i write to you. If i dont write one for you, dont be sad. Maybe i just forgot, maybe im just cranky, maybe i dont dont feel like. It might mean something about the level of feelings of the friendship or whatsoevership, it might really mean nothing at all. Whichever way it might be, doesnt matter. So, i hope if you happen to be one whom didnt get a greeting from me, please dont bother to be sad in any little way. Its okie.... really.

I guess i just dont feel like christmasing this year, just like i dont feel like eating dumplings today or drinking ribena.

I dont really feel like saying merry christmas in general because i dont feel christmasy. But ill greet some people merry christmas not because i want to, because i still want to make that little effort in acknowleding their chirstmas moods and that little effort to make them feel acknowledged for their moods, hoping it would make them alittle happier because i know they care about me and wish i would feel as joyful as they would be. So, because they care, i care to make that effort for this coming season for i want them to be happy too.

hello.

2005-12-23T01:13:00.000+08:00

hello. hello?